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7 Steps to Beating Up a Bully Without Throwing a Punch

Sat, 06 Feb 2021 20:16:29 GMT

How many bullies do you know?

How many bullies do you know? Twenty percent of the people cause eighty percent of the problems, but the one who causes the most problems for people is what is referred to as the “bully,” the aberrant, petulant egomaniac. These are the hostile aggressive, the loudmouths, the exploders and the unpredictables; the Dr. Jekylls and Mr. Hydes of the workplace. They start off behaving one way and then without warming shift. Sound familiar? Work with anyone like that?

Bullies and manipulative people crave being right. They try to induce fear in others to create the illusion of power.

Bullies:

Search for justification of their anger
Need to be the ones who know
Create a false sense of power
Hide their insecurities
Have to be right

To hide their internal fear, even from themselves, bullies must try to prove and manifest their personal power. This need leads to behavior such as yelling, intimidation, ordering and demanding. Here are seven ways you can deal with this type of hostile behavior:

1. Stand Your Ground:
Be assertive. Never cower to them; it gives them permission to continue. Don’t argue; it gives them justification for being hostile. Instead, calmly and neutrally look them in the eye and say, “What do you suggest we do?” or “How can we move this forward?” Let them know that you are not yielding, but at the same time don’t yell or be hostile back- doing so justifies their behavior and encourages them to continue. Be firm, but not aggressive.

2. Speak With Awareness:
What you say will be less important than how you say it. Notice your tone and their reaction. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are in charge. Be aware that they will react to how you react to them.

3. Keep Your Power:
The most important thing you can do is to keep your dignity. Tell yourself “There is no greater fool than the one who listens to the opinion of others and gives up the certainty of his own.” Your assessment of yourself is the only one that matters.

4. Address the Solution, Not the Emotion
Don’t ask if they are angry or tell them to calm down. There more your focus on their emotion, the longer they will stay in it. You can acknowledge it without swimming in it by saying something like. “I’m sorry if what I said upset you. It was not my intention. (Pause) Now what’s our next step?” If they aren’t ready to come down, feel free to tell them you will have to discuss it later.

5. Be Compassionate With You:
We all struggle to be the best we can with the knowledge we have. Realize that their knowledge is Neanderthal and may one day catch up, but that for the moment it’s all they’ve got. Say to yourself “I’m a notch higher on the food chain and I don’t need to rub it in.” and let the frustration of their idiosyncrasies’ melt away.

6. Don’t Gossip:
Gossiping is more demeaning for the person who’s speaking than for the one being spoken about. Talking about who did what when creates subtle distrust between the two parties. If you want a solution, ask for it and discuss it; if you want to talk about it talk to yourself.

7. Don’t Encourage It:
The best way to encourage apelike behavior is to give it right back. It will be tempting, but don’t do it. Once you show then that you aren’t playing the game, they will look for someone else who will. The best way to not encourage them is to simply remain neutral unaffected by their five year old moves (avoid defensiveness), and move into outcome.

No matter what kind of person you are dealing with, the key is to deal with yourself first. Somebody is getting along with them. Find out what that person does and apply it to your own interactions with the bully. If what you are doing doesn’t work, do something different. Remember the definition of insanity (same thing expect different result). Keep your sanity and you’ll beat up the bully without blinking every time!

Quick Moves for a New Job

Sat, 06 Feb 2021 20:15:14 GMT

Your first day on the job…

Getting a new job is almost like going into a foreign country. There are all kinds of rules, customs, traditions, and language that abide in any new work abode.

“In order to navigate the world of work you have to be prepared, not only for your work “learning curve” to increase, but for your “Culture Curve” to increase in order to really succeed.”

In order to navigate the world of work you have to be prepared, not only for your work “learning curve” to increase, but for your “Culture Curve” to increase in order to really succeed. Here are some places to look for clues to help you fabulously fit in.

The first place to look is at the mood of the organization? Many organizations dictate it. The reception desk should always have a smile. When you go into Blockbuster (does anyone go in anymore?) they always greet you with “Hello” or “Welcome”. Some organizations dictate mood by the way press releases or communication on email or paper is handled. So someone might start or end a correspondence with a proper or company approved salutation. There are various ways to keep constancy with dictated or spelled out requirements for the manner in which people interact. The hard part is when the requirements are not specified. Perhaps you’re in a company meeting and ask everyone how their weekend was and they all ignore you. You’ve just made a major faux pas, only to be embarrassed after the fact. Or maybe a “Good Morning” gets a blank stare. This is something you want to pay rapt attention to as you are interviewing and once you get the job. The best thing to do in these circumstances is watch and listen to hear how others operate in their environment. What do people talk about before a meeting, even in the interview? Is there chit chat about your family, or do they go right into business? What is the reception area like? Is there water, tea, or coffee for people? Does the receptionist interact with you at all, or leave you hanging? All of these are things to watch for.

“The second thing to watch for is dress. This plays into mood, but is also separate from it. Does casual Friday start on Monday? Does the way people dress extend into their behavior? Do you talk to the suit, or does the suit do all the talking?”

If you deal with clients, does the dress change? Watch for all this even when you check out their website and potentially see pics of those you might be working with. Connected to how they dress is how they move in their clothes. Are people stiff in their movements? Is it an environment where people move from their office to the meeting room and back? How much movement happens in the clothes and do people look comfortable in them? I was in my local bank recently in the heat of July (over 100 degrees) and my poor banker had a heavy suit with panty hose on. She could barely breathe. I asked her, “Aren’t you hot in that?” She said “Yes, I’m so uncomfortable, but these are the requirements for the job. I have to wear a suit, keep the jacket on at all times and wear panty hose.” I caught her subtly rolling her eyes in disbelief at the requirements. You need to know that before you take the job.

A third thing to watch for is food. What is the relationship with food in the office? Is it around all the time, or are there specified times for eating? This may not seem important to you when you interview, but if you’re trying to watch your weight and there are Dunkin Donuts there every morning, it might be challenging to support yourself in other ways while you’re working. I’ve seen more well intentioned nurses put on the freshman 10 their first year of work from all the cakes, cookies, and goodies family members bring in than many other professions. In one of my clients’ office, they have a tradition of going to the local cupcake store and everyone gets a cupcake together every morning when the shop opens. If you want to be part of the “team” you’re basically required to have your daily cupcake. Tell that to your trainer.

Part of what you want to ask as you look at these elements is any bare minimum requirements you have. Can you live with it, if no one says good morning?All in all these are things you find out one way or another. But in order to have real happiness on the job, the more you know before you go, the better you are. So, as you slide into that waiting room, look around. How respectful are people of your time? Do you wait 5 minutes or a half hour? How friendly do you need it to be? Part of what you want to ask as you look at these elements is any bare minimum requirements you have. Can you live with it, if no one says good morning?

Can you say no to the cupcake? Where can you draw the line between what’s ok and what’s not? Before that first door is opened, pay attention because even in these tough times, when jobs are scarce, when you get one, you want to make sure it’s a fit.

What to say when you're angry

Sat, 06 Feb 2021 20:00:01 GMT

Most of the time when we’re angry we say things that really don’t represent us well. Often we end up apologizing, defending our language, making excuses for our upset and ultimately tripping over past behavior. The key to being able to say the right thing when you’re angry is to become aware when the anger is first hitting you.

The process of getting angry happens in stages. Somebody does something which violates a value and that little ding initiates. Then it happens again and the ding becomes a bell. By the third time, the bell tower is ringing and it’s hard to control the upset. In that moment, our anger has us. We are it’s prisoner, our reptilian brain is engaged and we are done. At that moment disengaging if possible may be one of the best solutions, as you may incriminate yourself if you open your mouth. If you can see this coming you will be in much better shape to do one of the following:

#1: Speak your frustration, instead of your frustration speaking for you. Say “I’m really frustrated about this right now, because I’m not getting the answers I need.” or “I’m upset right now and really can’t talk about this.”

#2: Think about what you want, then make a request. “Who can I speak with that will help me clarify these answers?” or “Can we talk about this tomorrow?” You are moving the conversation where you want it to go instead of waiting for someone to respond and becoming more angry because the response wasn’t what you wanted. This requires that you actually think about what you want before you make the request.

#3a If the person gets it and listens to you, you will come down fairly quickly. Then you can negotiate what needs to happen next.

#3b If the person doesn’t get your upset say something. “Can you see how upset I am about this?” to bring them out of themselves. Part of what you are wanting in this moment is the acknowledgment for the state you’re in. If they still don’t get it, you have two choices: either come down, or leave.